Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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