he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
