Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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