I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
