Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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