New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
