May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
