My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
