Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
