I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
