I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize