Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
