Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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