There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
