My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
