just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
