fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
