hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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