just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
