grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
