ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
