I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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