I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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