my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I supernannyed him into submission
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
