You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
