sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
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Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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