I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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