You made me cry and you don't even care
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You can't special order awesome
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
