I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
