Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
