I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
