Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
