i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
