Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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