Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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