I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
