Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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