I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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