and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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