??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
