Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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