planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
