If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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