I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
