I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
