It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize