I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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