I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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