she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
