Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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