His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
