haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
