Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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