i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize