Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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