your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
