When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
