M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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